This Is My LifeThis is not my life.This Is My Life by NahaniDawg
This heavy thing that trails behind me
Like a broken sail in the middle of the god damn ocean,
But this is not my sinking ship.
This life is not my life.
This storm is fueled by hurt and tears, it washes on deck,
It will not wreck me, it will not sink the unsinkable;
Because this is not my ship wreck.
This is not my voice on the wind,
It's just the wind howling, it's not my scream. Not today.
My throat is just sore from the salty tang of the air,
Surely my eyes are wet from ocean spray.
My feet will never slip over board.
I have perfect fucking balance, I will never fall.
This is not the wind rushing past my ears as I am flung from my chair,
It's just the roar of my own courage as I stand tall.
This is not my life.
This water that surrounds me now is just your embrace,
These bubbles that escape from my lips are just daydreams of your kiss.
I'm not fucking drowning, that's not the case.
This is not the darkness,
It's only the absence of light. Nothing is wron
Afraid To Die AloneAll the memories you left behind come rushing backAfraid To Die Alone by NahaniDawg
Like the bite of liquor I swallowed in your bedroom;
Just something to take the edge off suicide,
Something to dull the blade and numb the pain.
Filled with false security of intoxication,
We walked 'round the corner, down the road;
More like stumbled in drunken stupor,
More like crawled in the sludge of heavy minds.
The pain of living lone forgotten in the taste of rum and wine.
The clerk at the Holiday Station never batted an eye.
I'm sure he'd seen much worse than this,
Worse than a death defying girl and broken accordion boy.
On the way back we drunken crawled in our heavy mind stupor,
Back up the hill right past the cops.
We knew there was no way we were getting caught.
Not this time, not again; we knew.
We were invisible to the law, transparent canvas,
Glass cracking at the edges, that's how we made it back.
Breaking down, reassembling, breaking all over again;
Falling, laughing, but never walking in a straight line.
And back in
Love LetterThe pain that I spill from my wristLove Letter by NahaniDawg
Is the ink on a letter I promised to never rewrite.
I sent a letter like that long ago,
but it came back all tight lips and clenched fists.
Now I'm bruised from the inside;
Knocked out from the pain of looking within.
I need to control this hurt and paint it on my skin.
Tonight I want to write that letter all over again.
I want to address it to you and hope it never returns,
hope it hurts when you read it; I hope it burns going down.
I want to bleed the black ink until I'm bled out.
I want to sign it at the bottom with "Love, Yours truly, forever."
I'll seal it with a faint kiss,
Just like I kiss your lips,
but this time I'll whisper goodbye.
Lead In My BloodI'm sinking like a stone in your sea.Lead In My Blood by NahaniDawg
My blood is filling with lead like water in this sail boat body.
My mind is drowning while the red sunset shines on; just like nothing's wrong.
My dreams are seasick; leaning over the railing, watching the water below.
It churns like my worried stomach,
A ballet to anxious music, but it's more than stage fright tonight, love;
When they watch me cut myself wide open,
Just to spill the truth to you, because lead bullets never lie.
There's truth in every gun.
The silver bullet sea-birds are fading into the bruises; running from the punches,
But their wings are tangled in kite strings, and I'm holding tight.
I just want to let go of these things tonight.
I can't or I'll fall beneath the surface,
But what harm would it do to let go, just for once in my life.
These are quiet thoughts that nobody knows.
They sneak up and slowly crack the evening sky;
They make the world seem wrong,
But you don't realize right away, not until it's gone;
Not until the sky i
This is going to be kind of a rant so I totally apologize, but I needed to get it out because it's just been stuck in my mind, it's like an endless loop of sickening thoughts.
As I said in my title it'll be six months soon. I've been feeling so triggered lately though. I'm just depressed. Nothing seems to make me happy for long and if it does it's very brief, like just a few hours when I'm too distracted to think. It's like a match. When I'm happy it burns bright and fast and then it's gone in a puff of smoke. I'm bipolar so this feeling isn't new, but that doesn't make it any more pleasant and when the fires burning it doesn't take much to put it out. Even the tiniest thing brings me back to this depressed state.
I'm so stressed out about everything that it literally prevents me from enjoying anything. I'm stressed about work and school and all sorts of other things, but being stressed about those things makes it so I don't want to do them and that just adds to the stress. I end up procrastinating on my homework, going to bed late, waking up late, not sleeping at all, being late for work, skipping my counseling appointments, canceling hangouts with friends for stupid reasons, skipping dance class, skipping figure skating lessons, procrastinating on everything. That all just makes it worse, but I can't seem to get out of this cycle. It's so fucking stupid.
I keep failing at everything. Everything I try to do falls through on me. I've been extra forgetful lately which has led to some really terrible mistakes and work and in my extracurricular activities. I have no motivation to try anymore and that just makes my self esteem go down. I had a figure skating competition on Friday. Got 9th place. 9th. I fucking lost against all these amazing people. I mean, someone has to lose, and I half expected I would; but it's still a huge disappointment. I disappointed my coach, my parents, and myself. There's always next time, and I don't know why this loss is effecting me so much, but I just feel like a failure.
Half the time I just can't see the point anymore. The things that normally make me happy just aren't anymore. I don't really want to see my friends because, while it makes me happy for a bit, as soon as I leave them the depression starts all over again. The joy of being around them almost isn't worth the crash when I have to go back home. I've been distancing myself from my friends. Not responding to their texts, not answering calls, not reaching out to them. No one has really texted me in about 4 days and why would they because I don't fucking respond. I don't know why I'm doing this, I feel bad about it, but I have no motivation to talk to them when I'm like this. I don't have a lot of close friends as it is and now I'm just pushing them all away. Even my boyfriend.
Today is our 7 month anniversary and he came over for the weekend, but left yesterday. He lives about an hour away and we see eachother 2 or 3 times a week so normally I'm super excited to see him, but this time I was just dreading the feeling I'd get after he left. I had a great time with him while he was here, for the most part, but I feel as though I just want to be left alone. At the same time, when I'm alone I feel like shit anyway. At least when I'm with people I can forget about the shitty feeling, but it just fucking comes back right after they're gone, or even while I'm still with them. Even the tinniest thing can set it off.
Most of my friends don't know how to deal with it. My boyfriend doesn't understand it at all, he tries, but he just doesn't get it. I don't hold it against him, but when I tell him I'm depressed he doesn't know how to deal with it or make me feel better. He automatically blames himself or just shuts down and doesn't try to help (because he doesn't know how.). It's frustrating for me because I love him deeply and I don't WANT to be this way. I don't WANT to hurt him. I don't WANT him to feel guilty or to fucking shut down on me, but he does and it isn't helpful. I can't blame him for that though. He can't read my mind, hell, most of the time I don't even know what the hell I need, think, or want; and I shouldn't expect him to either. I really don't expect that, but I can wish for it. He's all happy today. He text me goodmorning and that he loves me. He's in a good mood and I'm just not. I should be happy today, but I just can't be for some reason. I should be happy that it's our anniversary. I should be happy that he's having a good day. I should be happy that his life is going well right now, but I'm not. I'm just jealous and depressed and I can't talk to him about it because I don't want to ruin his happy mood. I don't want him to get tired of me being like this all the time. I don't want him to feel like it's his fault and I really can't deal with him shutting down on me if that's what he will do, which he does 50% of the time. So, I just keep talking to him, trying to act like nothings wrong; trying to be strong and not let it all show. I don't know if it's working or not and at this point I don't really care.
I have so much to do, but no motivation whatsoever. I have school to do. I'm getting a little behind in my online classes and in my textbooks. That's what I'm supposed to be doing right now. I bring my laptop and books to work in case it's a slow day, and it is, so I should be doing school right now; but instead I'm writing this. I work fucking 8 hours a day most days and 6 days a week. I do my school when I have time at work or when I get home. I have dance classes, figure skating lessons multiple times a week and 4-H stuff on top of all that; plus in the mix of my busy schedule I try to find time for my friends and boyfriend and time for myself, which is fucking difficult. I'm overwhelmed to the point that it's making me physically and mentally sick. I haven't had a break in so long. I haven't slept in past 10 am since at least july or august because I'm constantly on the go. I need more sleep, more time, for freedom, but I can't have it. It's driving me nuts.
Everything seems to be out of my control. I'm just going through the motions. Doing what people want. Trying to get good grades, trying to make money for college, trying to maintain relationships, trying to keep clean, trying to survive. It's just too much and it's not even that much! I should be able to fucking deal with this, but I'm having such a hard time.
I want to cut again, but I'm to the point in my "recovery" where just picturing it in my mind makes me sick to my stomach, but I still crave it. It disgusts me, but I miss it. I'd feel so guilty if I cut again. I've promised so many people that I wouldn't. Back in august was the last time I relapsed, I promised my boyfriend that I would never cut again because he threatened to break up with me. At that point we'd only been dating a month so I totally get where he's coming from, and he's since said that if I did relapse he wouldn't leave me, but (in his words) "He'd know where he stands." In his mind if I cut it means I don't love him enough not to, which isn't the case, but it makes me so sad. It makes me not want to do it, so I guess that's good, but it's so hurtful. It just hurts. I can't even control whether I cut or not because if I do he'll feel like I don't love him and that's not the case. I love him very much. Me being clean for this long is proof of that. I couldn't and wouldn't be doing this if it weren't for him. It was my decision last February to stop. I got help and things were better, I quit for me. Sure, there were relapses, but I was so much better. Now I can't even relapse. I feel like I have no control of anything.
That's a big part of why I even started cutting, to feel in control. Right now I feel like I don't have control of anything in my life and it's killing me.
I'm at work right now. There are box cutters in the back room, replacement blades for them in the office, scissors in the drawer to my right. This is hell. This is what hell feels like. Hell isn't a fiery pit, it's a room filled with razors that you can't even use.