2014 was the year I thought I figured it all out;
Why everything happens the way it does,
Why everything still hurts the way it always used to,
Why I was never good enough for anyone,
But especially you. Father, mother, sister, brother, cousin, lover, friend,and especially you.
In 2013 I started burning my lungs, started drowning myself in chemistry.
Started throwing myself into the arms of whomever would take me,
Whomever would give me just a little reprieve,
Just an ounce of "Please stay, don't leave.".
But I'd left long before and that version of me would never come back.
This is "ME 2.0", a fallen branch in the river,
Going with the flow of late nights and heart breaks, "I love you"'s and terrible mistakes.
In 2012 I learned that those who tell you they love you very rarely do.
They just want whatever they can get out of you without getting hurt in return.
They want you to waste all you have to give on people like them.
They thrive on knowing that they can take what they want,
Then leave you with nothing and steal all you've got.
2011 was the first year I took a knife to my skin out of rage.
I couldn't fathom hurting anyone else.
I couldn't comprehend that anyone could be more deserving than myself,
More filled with sin so great that not even lucifer could relate
To the pain that I felt inside my head, inside my bones, within my broken state.
The fire in my soul had long gone out, but the burning never stopped,
The smolder of festering ill thoughts.
The anxiety, depression, panic, twisting my stomach into knots.
2012 was the year you stopped marking my height on the door frame of the pantry,
But I think you stopped caring long before then.
That last mark seems so small now, so insignificant,
But I'm still growing right out of your big picture.
Growing up, growing tired, we're all growing apart, the family tree is growing old.
It's ready to fall, my branch is growing too heavy, but this wasn't the start.
In 2009 was the first time you hit me,
But it wasn't the first or last time I thought about running away,
Wanting someone to scream my name "Please stay, Don't leave."
This had crossed my mind many times before that,
But you couldn't see that I wanted to escape,
Wanted to run to a place you could never find me.
In 2008 you bought me a telescope and we used it to see the moon up close.
So much fascination in something so far way, so unreachable,
While I was right there by your side;
Within reach, so close, but light years of distance, running out of time.
And the satellites circled us up in the sky, blinking their bright lights,
Masquerading as stars in the blackness of night,
And somewhere a star was falling, somewhere a star is afraid of heights.
2007 was the first year I wished I didn't exist.
I didn't care how and you didn't care why.
That night in the bathroom I cried in your arms.
You sat me down and I told you "I just want to die."
But who would have believed that coming from a child,
Especially one who was always so small and mild,
One who did what she was told with out complaint or sigh,
Why would she want to die? You asked why, and I didn't know the answer.
I still don't know why I cry.
In 2006 I learned the true pain of death.
I watched her die in her hospital bed.
They moved her to the rose room, a place with such an unfitting name.
That's the year I learned that roses aren't always red.
They're not always alive, some of them are half dead.
If you took away the deceptive paper on the walls,
The bright daisies painted on the halls
You'd see nothing but crumbling, cracking, cement.
Nothing except sorrow that does not relent.
Dying isn't filled with glamour or glory,
Dying is lungs filling with your body's life serums,
Bed sores and I.V. bags and beeping machines,
But after a while you don't even hear them.
The truth is that we're all constantly dying,
We're all decaying at a slow rate and one day it just ends.
Wherever you are, sometimes without family or friends.
Time just runs out and that's all you've got left.
Someday there will be no one walking in the footsteps you've stepped,
No one sitting in the places you've sat.
No one standing in the places you've stood.
And that's the beauty of it all.
Truth be told, I don't remember much before that.